Even if the ending wasn’t a surprise, it can be difficult to believe your relationship has ended, especially if you’re the one who still wants it. So, how do you get over a breakup and move on to purpose, peace, and joy again? First, recognize that a breakup is a loss. And losses need to be grieved. Commonly, there are five stages for grieving—whether it’s healing a breakup or other loss. They are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I’m adding another stage to the process: beginning anew. Of course, healing emotional pain is not a linear process; you won’t necessarily go through these stages in order. In fact, you might bounce from one stage to another—or not experience all of the stages—since healing is different for each person. The main thing is to be aware of the roller coaster ride of emotions, and take time to process your feelings as your journey back to feeling whole again. Let’s look briefly at each stage in the process of grieving and getting over a breakup: 1. Denial – You simply cannot believe your relationship is over and you’re in shock or disbelief. You’re rejecting the idea that this is happening. You’re desperate to hold onto the past, even if it’s just a fragment of hope. 2. Anger – After a breakup you may feel mad about what happened. You might be angry with the other person, with yourself, or with other situations around the split. 3. Bargaining – In this stage, you’re trying to lessen the feelings of loss by trying to make a deal or negotiate the situation. For instance, “If I pray every day, God will bring him back to me.” It’s a time of wishful thinking as you attempt to escape the painful reality of disconnecting with someone you liked or loved. 4. Depression – As the loss sets in, you may move to feelings of sadness and gloominess. You may feel hopeless, and lose interest in doing things or going out. You may find yourself crying a lot. 5. Acceptance – Here, you are coming to terms with your loss. It’s a shift from resisting the reality that the relationship is over, to finding some clarity and beginning to think you could move forward. You may still be sad, but you are not consumed by the sadness. 6. Beginning Anew – With acceptance, comes the ability to move forward and begin to rebuild your life. It’s time to wake up to the rest of your life and arise to building community and friendships, arise to new purpose, and arise to freedom, peace and joy. Remember, heart healing takes time. And intentional action. It also takes trust in God. He loves you and He has the power to heal. He is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). Want more? 2) To listen to the radio interview with Dr. James Dobson and Jackie M. Johnson about getting over a breakup, click Part 1 and Part 2. 3) To read Jackie’s blog for singles, Living Single Today, click here. 4) Articles from Jackie about getting over a breakup: After a Breakup: Top 10 Things to Heal a Broken Heart How to Get Over a Breakup: 4 Key Things You Can Do to Heal Faster
The end of a dating relationship or marriage can be devastating. Especially if you were blindsided by the breakup and you had no idea the split was coming.
1) To read more about how to get over a breakup, check out Jackie’s book, “When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty.”
Hear my prayer, O LORD, listen to my cry
for help; be not deaf to my weeping.
Psalm 39:12
A few years ago Julia lost her mother and 10-year old daughter, and broke her pelvis, in a tragic car accident. Sadly, Julia was unable to able to attend her daughter’s funeral because she was in the hospital recovering from her injuries.
Julia is still recovering from the awful day that changed her life forever. Every day she gets up, gets dressed and seeks to brighten the day for others.
Hope is reawakening, like the first fragile crocuses bursting from snowy ground in springtime.
There many different types of losses in life, and just as many ways that people handle loss and grief.
Loss touches our lives in many ways, whether it’s through divorce, death, or the death of a dream.
A woman learns she can never bear children.
A business owner discovers his partner has deceived him, now he’s financially wiped out.
Foreclosure on your dream home, financial setbacks, or a disabling illness or injury can be life-shattering.
Disaster changes the landscape of your life. You stand amidst the rubble and wreckage, and you wonder how you will ever cope with such losses.
Nehemiah’s story
Bouncing back from tragedy takes time—a lot of time. It also takes comfort, support and an abundance of prayer.
Nehemiah found help and hope in the rubble of tragedy.
Though he lived centuries ago, his life lessons still apply to us today.
A Jewish man in a foreign land, Nehemiah worked for royalty as the cup-bearer to the king of Persia. When he heard news that the city of Jerusalem lay in ruins and its walls had been burned and broken, he was greatly distressed and saddened.
His heart broke for his people. In ancient times, city walls were essential for security and protection against the danger of all kinds of enemies.
Nehemiah prayed to God for the right words to say his boss, a very powerful king. He prayed and fasted, and prayed again. He praised God, asked for forgiveness, and presented his request to the king.
The humble servant finally found favor.
The king not only gave Nehemiah his permission, he also gave him a guarantee of safe passage with special papers and officers to accompany him.
Once in Jerusalem, Nehemiah enlisted help. But most of the volunteer workers were not skilled as wall builders. They set about rebuilding and worked heartily.
Then, worn out and frustrated, the builders’ focus became more on the rubble around them and not the progress they had made.
Nehemiah 4:10 reads, “Meanwhile, the people in Judah said, ‘The strength of the laborers is giving out, and there is so much rubble that we cannot rebuild the wall’” (italics mine).
Have you ever felt like everything is crumbling around you, and the pieces of your problems lay at your feet like the wreckage from a collapsed building?
It’s too much. You can’t do this. You are simply overwhelmed.
Nehemiah was constantly in prayer.
He and his volunteer wall builders regrouped, working hard for a cause they believed in. When opposition came from officials, they prayed—and posted guards to keep safe.
When news from impending enemy attacks came, they prayed—and guarded the city as they kept on working.
Finally, the wall was rebuilt and the city repopulated. They praised God for all He had done for them.
After all that had transpired, they celebrated, as Nehemiah said to the people, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10).
Rebuilding from loss
God is all about redeeming loss and pain, and healing wounds of all kinds. He is the Master at rebuilding, whether it’s rubble in the streets of Jerusalem or the wreckage in your heart.
We may try to deal with tragedy and the ensuing emotions that follow—sadness, anger, resentment, or guilt—in unhealthy ways.
Sometimes we don’t know what to do, so we do nothing and hope that one day the pain will simply go away.
Navigating the strange and stormy waters of grief is hard. But not impossible. Everyone’s healing journey will be different. Yours may take longer than mine. God may use different methods to lead you from sorrow to joy.
How do you find your way forward through the grieving process?
No matter what type of loss you have incurred, comfort and support are the first steps.
- It can come from the warm embrace of a close friend, a listening ear, or kind words. We need our friends to help us remember what we already know, or to say nothing and simply be there with us in the midst of the pain.
- Many people find soul support as they journal their prayers or their feelings.
- Healing also comes through rest, or a change of scenery. The beauty of nature, God’s creation, is restorative.
- Knowing God is with you, and that He is your comforter, brings peace as the words of Matthew 5:4 affirm, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”
- Healing also comes as you release heart anguish through your tears. Cling to God’s promises, hold on to hope, and surrender your pain to Him in prayer.
- Instead of holding it all inside, it can be helpful to talk about what happened with caring friends, family members or a Christian counselor who can help process the pain.
Grief unprocessed, ignored or denied, festers. Processing the pain brings release and relief.
Worship and the Word
When you are feeling hopeless the most powerful thing you can do is worship. Despair cannot journey where praise and worship reside.
You may be too grief-stricken to know what to say. But you can put on worship music, or even just sit with your eyes closed and ask God to heal your heart as you rest, focusing on His amazing love and gentle comfort. Psalm 92:1-2 tells us,
It is good to praise the LORD
and make music to your name, O Most High,
proclaiming your love in the morning
and your faithfulness at night.
As we give God our praises, He gives us His presence.
Focusing on His character and what He has done for you lift you to a new place. God is great, and He is worthy of our praises. Like rain soaks the desert and brings forth cactus blossoms, worship and prayer bring renewal to a withering heart.
In addition to worship, spending time reading God’s Word brings comfort and hope. Maybe you already read the Bible, maybe you don’t. Now is the time to discover more of the treasure that is the Word of God. It’s your spiritual food, nourishment every day; essential in times of need.
Open the Bible, there’s hope inside.
A Different Kind of Strength
In 2011, a tsunami caused by an 8.9 magnitude earthquake devastated northeastern Japan.
It caused widespread destruction and extensive damage to coastal cities. But the powerful force didn’t stop there; it continued inland flooding and destroying homes, schools and farmland for miles.
The landscape is now a sea of debris—and a once thriving community is a veritable wasteland.
Recently, I watched a TV program about the disaster and one survivor said, “There’s a different kind of strength you find after you’ve survived something terrible.”
Tragedies can undo us; they can also make us stronger.
Life may be challenging for you right now; you wonder how things will ever change. Take heart.
Even in your darkest times, the hope of Christ shines brighter.
When you are weak, He is your strong comfort. When you are exhausted, He is your strength—firm and secure.
The Light of the World shines as your beacon—a lighthouse in the midst of the storm to guide you to safe harbor. And better days ahead.
May our strong and Mighty God bring peace and comfort to you.
Forest fires can be devastating. So much loss.
As you scan the landscape in the aftermath of such a disaster, like the massive wildfires we’ve had in Colorado over the years, you see some trees completely obliterated and others with black, charred limbs.
The Redwood trees, however, have a secret.
Grown mostly in California and southern Oregon, these centuries-old giants—300 feet or taller—have a unique ability to withstand fire. In addition to their high branches and the dense bark that provides protection, Redwood trees lack a flammable resin on their bark (which most other types of trees have) rendering them mostly fireproof.
Even when the heat of a forest fire is so intense that it kills the tree, the roots often survive because they are buried in the cool, moist soil.
And in time, new sprouts begin to appear on the burned trees. New growth. New life.
Triumph after tragedy.
You may have suffered unspeakable losses, too. And you feel like your life will never be the same. That may be true; it may never be the exact same way things were before your loss. But, like the Redwoods, new life—a different life–can sprout again.
You may be hurting now, but you are not harmed beyond repair.
You are still here. Still standing. Still living life the best you can.
As you get back to the roots of truth in your life, re-growth comes. Thankfully, the heart is surprisingly resilient.
Remember the basics:
You are God’s child.
He is here, with you always.
God loves you with an everlasting love.
He is your comfort. Your healing. Your strength. Your joy.
And He is working, even now, to bring all things together for the good. While we may not always see it or feel it right now, your loving, healing God is repairing the burned out pieces of your heart.
Trust God for new hope.
Healing will come. And all things will be made new.
RESOURCES
For more hope and healing, check out these books by Jackie M. Johnson:
Praying with Power When Life Gets Tough
Power Prayers for Women
Prayers with Purpose for Women
Photo: Jordan Pulmano on Unsplash
Have you ever lost a good friend or loved one unexpectedly?
I have.
Just last week.
One of my closest friends from college and the years beyond, Laura, went from this world to the next. After a battle with the “c” word (a disease I will not even speak or write), she burst forth from time into eternity.
Heaven. A place of no pain. No tears. Unconditional love. And more peace and joy and incomprehensible beauty than any of us could ever imagine.
I hope her first moments in heaven were like the popular photo of a woman with a big, bright smile hugging Jesus tightly like there’s no tomorrow. But there will be an eternity of tomorrows for her in heaven.
Jesus joyfully greets her. Welcome home!
My friend Laura leaves behind an amazing husband and two kids. And a large extended family. And a whole lot of friends.
If you have lost a friend or family member, you may want to read my blog post about dealing with grief and loss and my book, Praying with Power When Life Gets Tough.
This side of heaven we live with the mystery of God’s ways. Why does He do what He does? Why didn’t God stop her disease or her passing?
Why, Lord, why?
We may not always understand His ways, but the One who loves us most gives us HOPE.
Wild hope.
Hope that believes that God knows what He is doing even when we do not. That his ways are higher, but for our ultimate good.
Hope that goes beyond expectations.
Despite hard things, and in the midst of tough times, you can trust God. He has more for you than you can ask or imagine—and His power is at work within you.
Even when you do not understand.
Wild hope is planting seeds of faith and expecting orchards of blessings. It’s courageous and expectant—and celebratory—knowing that your great expectations aren’t too large for the great, big God we serve.
We can have this kind of hope because Jesus Christ lived, died and rose again glorious and alive! For you. For me. He is our true Hope. Unpredictable? Yes. Unexpected? Certainly.
He goes beyond—far beyond—what we can imagine, and leads us into a future we never could’ve dreamed of.
So in times of defeat, doubt or discouragement, we pray. In times of joy and victory, we pray. And trust the God of abundance, the God of so much more.
We may sow with tears, but we will reap with armloads of joy! One day. Maybe soon.
Harvest time is coming.
Losing someone you loved is difficult. No doubt about it.
Whether the loss was due to a death, a separation, a divorce or a relationship breakup, it’s often a difficult and messy process to get through the sadness and back to joy again.
Recently, a friend of mine lost her mother. Her passing was unexpected. Sudden. She is wondering how to find her way forward.
Rev. Billy Graham passed in February. His life and ministry have touched the lives of people around the globe.
Although I never met him personally, he was an excellent example of a life well lived. Surely, he will hear the words from the Lord as he greets Him in Heaven, “Well done, good and faithful servant!”
How do you move forward from grief and loss?
Navigating the strange and stormy waters of grief is hard. But not impossible.
Everyone’s healing journey will be different. And God may use different methods to lead you from sorrow to joy. And that’s okay. He is God. He knows what He is doing. We simply need to trust Him.
Comfort and support
Many people find comfort and support in the warm embrace of a close friend, a listening ear, or kind words. We need our friends to help us remember what we already know, or to say nothing and simply be there with us in the midst of the pain.
Soul support also comes thought journaling (writing down) prayers or feelings.
Healing can come through rest, or a change of scenery. Being out in the beauty of nature, God’s creation, is restorative. Music can be comforting, too.
Knowing God is with you, and that He is your comforter, brings peace as the words of Matthew 5:4 affirm, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”
Cling to God’s promises, hold on to hope, and surrender your pain to Him in prayer. He is with you—always.
Remember, that grief unprocessed, ignored or denied, will fester and build up inside you. But processing the pain brings release and relief. Feel your feelings and then chose to move forward, one step at a time, in the power of God’s Holy Spirit working in you.
Worship and the Word
When you are feeling hopeless the most powerful thing you can do is worship. Sing songs of praise. Or listen to them.
Despair cannot journey where praise and worship reside.
You may be too grief-stricken to know what to say. But you can put on a worship music CD, or even just sit with your eyes closed and ask God to heal your heart as you rest, focusing on His amazing love and comfort.
As we give God our praises, He gives us His presence.
Focusing on His character and what He has done for you lifts you to a new place.
Like rain soaks the desert and brings forth colorful cactus blossoms, worship and prayer bring renewal to a withering heart.
Soak in God’s Word
In addition to worship, spending time reading God’s Word, the Bible, brings comfort and hope.
Discover the treasure that is in the Word of God. It is your spiritual food, nourishment every day; essential in times of need.
Open your Bible, there’s hope inside. Read it, ask God to open your eyes to the truth.
The good news is that there is life after loss. Day by day, step by step and choice by choice things start to change and light replaces the dark corners of your heart.
In March 2011, a tsunami caused by an 8.9 magnitude earthquake devastated northeastern Japan. It caused widespread destruction and extensive damage to coastal cities. The official death toll exceeded 9,000 lives. The landscape is now a sea of debris—a once thriving community is a veritable wasteland.
I once watched a TV program about that disaster and one survivor said, “There’s a different kind of strength you find after you’ve survived something terrible.”
Tragedies can undo us; they can also make us stronger.
When you are weak, God is your strong comfort. When you are exhausted, He is your strength—firm and secure. The Light of the World shines as your beacon—a lighthouse in the midst of the storm to guide you to safe harbor.
Light always overcomes the darkness.
Prayer: Lord, I come before you today. You know my heart; you see my tears. You hear my cries for help in this time of adversity. Some days I am sad, other days I am just numb. But you are with me always, and that makes all the difference. Help me through this time of grief and loss. You are stronger than anything that comes against me and I put my trust in You, the One who loves me most. I choose to leaning on you and your unchanging love and truth. Comfort my heart. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen.
For more help and hope on handling grief and loss or other difficult times, see Jackie M. Johnson’s Hope on the Go and Praying With Power When Life Gets Tough.