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How to Deal with Disappointments in Relationships

Then you will know that I am the LORD;
those who hope in me will not be disappointed.
Isaiah 49:23

Life is full of disappointments.

Your boss promoted your co-worker, not you. Your manuscript got rejected. Your family member bailed on Thanksgiving again–and you miss them. Your boyfriend didn’t show for your birthday party. How do you deal with disappointments?

Dashed hopes and thwarted dreams come in all shapes and sizes, and they’re always painful. 

Of course, it’s normal to feel upset when hard things happen; God designed us with emotions. But it’s essential to deal with your disappointments so little hurts don’t turn into large ones. 

Disappointment can spiral into despair or depression if you don’t get a hold of your thought life, what you say to yourself about yourself or your circumstances. 

So when disappointment knocks on your door, how do you handle your discontentment? 

Will you sulk or will you stand strong on the promises of God?

Here are some helpful ways to pull yourself out of the disappointment spiral: 

What you tell yourself matters. Disappointment is a part of life. Whether they’re big hurts or little ones it’s what you do with your pain that determines how you will move forward. 

What are you saying to yourself about what’s happened? Are you feeling hopeless and thinking, “I’m never going to find a job”? Or hopeful, “I guess that wasn’t the right job for me. God has something better suited to my skills; I will bounce back.”

Don’t mull, release disappointments. My mother used to say that garbage needs to be taken out at least once a week, and so does the garbage in your heart. 

When you hold onto frustration, resentment or discouragement it can fester inside. Instead, feel your feelings, and then release your pain. Let it go. The best way to do that is in prayer; talk to God about how you feel and what happened. He hears, He sees, and He truly cares.

Wait on God to make things right. When disappointment comes, you may think it’s the end of the story. But it may not be; that’s where discernment comes and the wisdom to wait. Waiting strengthens your trust muscles, teaching you to depend solely on God, not your circumstances.

There’s a popular saying, “Don’t place a period where God has placed a comma.” It may be the final curtain or it may simply be an intermission, a time to wait on God. 

My friend Barbara had been dating Steve for more than a year, and while he’d brought up the topic of marriage she was uncertain about some things. So she ended the relationship. Hard as it was, Barbara held to her trust in God to make things right. 

Whether they got back together or not, she knew that God had his best in mind for her. She closed the door on this relationship, and chose to get on with her life.

Unbeknownst to Barbara, God was doing an amazing transformational work in Steve’s heart about God’s design for marriage and other things. 

One Saturday afternoon, Barbara was praying and felt the Holy Spirit tell her to be open to Steve if he were to call her 

She didn’t think he would contact her. She thought it was over—they both did. 

But God had different plans.

That same Saturday afternoon, Steve called Barbara from a mountain top where he’d been praying and listening to God. Steve didn’t think she’d pick up the phone, but she did. 

They began to connect in an entirely new way; after a time apart that drew them solely to God and not each other, they both felt that God was reuniting them. They knew that the Lord had put them back together, and He had a plan for their relationship. Shortly after that they got engaged, and two months later were married. And now they’ve been together for more than a decade.

Trust God in the silent times. He is working. Always working. 

Get a fresh perspective. Ask yourself, “How can I view this situation differently?” Perhaps you need a fresh perspective. 

Just as flying high in an airplane helps you to see the bigger picture of the earth below, getting a new perspective on your circumstances can help you feel better. 

Ask God to open your eyes to the truth about what’s happening so you can see more clearly how to pray and what to do. 

We all go through emotional growing pains at times that serve to make us stronger on the inside. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this situation? How can my faith be strengthened here?”

Don’t get disillusioned with God. If you’ve been disappointed, you may feel like God doesn’t care or He’s abandoned you. Nothing could be further from the truth. 

Despite the situation, don’t let your circumstances rob you from the unchanging truth that God is wiser than you and me, and that He knows best.

Romans 8:28 says, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” All things? Even this painful disappointment? Yes, even this. 

We don’t know how or when, but God promises to work all things together for a higher and better purpose. That’s where trust comes in. 

Lift up your eyes. When discouragement or disappointments have you down, it’s time to look up. Psalm 121:1-2 says, “I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.” 

Instead of looking all around at your circumstances or looking down in despair, choose to look to the One who has the power to do something about your situation. He will lift you up.

Deal and heal. Unless you remove dandelions by the roots, their little yellow heads will keep popping up in your yard. Likewise, when you get to the root of your issues you can begin to rid the landscape of your life of irritations like constant regret or bitterness. 

As you deal with your emotions—feeling your feelings, not ignoring them and surrendering your pain to God in prayer—you will begin to heal. 

The power of prayer gets to the root of the issue because God heals from the inside out. As you pray, God changes your discouragement to encouragement or from sadness to joy and a much more joyful self emerges.

Prayer changes things, and it changes you. As you pray about your disappointments, be encouraged and remember the One to whom we pray. God Almighty is all-powerful, and full of more strength and wisdom that we can ever comprehend. He can take care of your situation.

Our times are in His hands.

 

For more from Jackie, check out these resources:

 

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How to Get Along with Difficult Relatives Over the Holidays

Ah, family. Sometimes it’s not easy to gather with those we love. Especially when people can become argumentative, difficult, or downright mean.

So, how can you get along better with relatives that you LOVE, but don’t always LIKE? Here’s practical help and inspiring hope from author, Cynthia L. Simmons. She offers some good insights in her guest blog post today.

Nothing ruins special occasions faster than a family squabble.

We all prefer what James called “wisdom from above” so your family time can be…“peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits.” (James 3:17).

Let’s consider some helpful relationship tips from God’s Word.

1. THINK LIKE JESUS. First, the Apostle Paul offered a powerful suggestion when he commented we should think like Jesus. 

Based on Christ’s unselfishness, Paul said to “let each of you regard one another as more important than himself.” (Phil. 2:3) 

In other words, consider the needs of that difficult person. Like you, he or she bears the image of God, so find ways to show respect and kindness. For instance, plan on cooking a dish the person likes or suggest a game he or she prefers.

2. SET AND ENFORCE BOUNDARIES. Second, set boundaries and enforce them to ensure peace. Make plans to diffuse tension with your husband or another person you trust. You might use a signal that communicates a need for transition. 

For example, my grandmother lived with my mother for years. Before we visited, I warned my husband she would favor the boys. She would offer my sons gifts while informing my daughters she had nothing for them. My husband stepped in and refused all her gifts while guiding the children out of her room.

3. LOVE and PRAY. Third, Jesus said, “…love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you.” You might think this verse applies to an extreme situation, but I have discovered praying for someone softens my heart. 

The Lord gives me insight into that individual’s personality and makes me see their emotional vulnerability. Instead of responding in frustration, I can temper my words with kindness and compassion.

4. BE QUICK TO HEAR AND SLOW TO SPEAK. “Let everyone be quick to hear and slow to speak.”(James 1:19). 

People enjoy talking about themselves and may not notice your silence. You might discover hurts you weren’t aware of, or you could find a topic you both enjoy. On the other hand, avoid irritating topics.

5. DON’T LET EMOTIONS ZAP YOUR JUDGMENT. Fifth, don’t let your emotions zap your judgment. Paul the apostle said, “Be angry, and yet do not sin.” (Ephesians 4:26). 

Past hurts can flare up and make us want to say hurtful words. I have felt that way, and it’s hard not to explode. Ask the Lord to help you leave all those wrongs in his lap. That is such a relief. 

Also, know that fatigue makes you more vulnerable, so [if possible] excuse yourself when you get tired.

With prayer, careful planning, and listening, you can still enjoy the holidays despite challenging relatives.

***

For more information, connect with Cynthia L. Simmons at clsimmons.com

 

Photo: Libby Penner, Unsplash

 

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7 Powerful Dating Secrets for Christian Women

Dating and relationships shouldn’t have to be so difficult.

I mean, all you have to do is find someone amazing who thinks you’re amazing too.

You meet. You connect. You keep on connecting. He likes you. You like him. You commit. How hard can it be?

Well, for some of my married friends, it seems like a walk in the park.

Take my friends Luke and Becca (not their real names), for example. They met in our church singles group, got married a year later, and had two beautiful children.

Easy.

But not for everyone.

While I am truly joyful for my happily married friends, I also wonder why it’s so hard for the rest of us to find the person who is the best fit and build a life with him.

Maybe they know something I don’t.

Maybe, like me, you want to find “the real thing.” You’re tired of players, users, and “catfishers” on social media who pretend to be someone they are not. You’re confused because the lines between dating and just friends are blurred beyond recognition.

Or, you’re frustrated because you’re not dating at all.

Whatever the case, I choose to believe there are awesome, godly men out there who would love to find lasting love with someone like you or me.

So, here’s what I’ve learned over many years of dating.

You can’t change anyone else, but you can change how you approach dating and relationships. Maybe it’s time for a new perspective.

If I could go back in time and tell my younger self some foundational and important truths about dating and relationships, here’s what I’d say to pave the way for better relationships.

These seven (7) secrets–things I wish I would have known sooner–could very well make your dating life more positive, healthy and joyful.

1. You deserve to be loved well. You, my friend, deserved to be loved—and to be loved well. Don’t let a guy toy with your emotions or take up your time if he has no intention of dating you. Don’t settle for players. Don’t let yourself be used or abused just because you want someone to love you. That’s not love. No 2:00 AM calls or texts to come over and “hang out.” No. You deserve to be treated better and with respect.

What are the other dating “secrets”?

Read the entire post here: 7 Powerful Dating Secrets for Christian Women Who Want True Love. 

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How to Get Over a Breakup – Part 1 (Stabilize the Situation)

Years ago, I was talking with a guy friend (let’s call him Mitch). I was going through a heart-wrenching breakup at the time and I decided to ask him for his best advice on how to deal with it.

“So, how do you get over a breakup?” I asked my friend.

“You just do,” he replied nonchalantly.

“What do you mean? ‘You just do,’ I questioned, “How do you get over it?”

I was bewildered. I wanted action steps, a practical “how to” approach. Something.

But he had nothing to give me.

Thankfully, over the months that followed my baffling conversation with Mitch, I was able to find other avenues for healing my breakup blues.

I scoured the Bible, God’s words of life and wisdom, to find out about comfort and heart healing. I camped in the Psalms for a while and found in David a comrade. He poured his heart out to God about his trials and then looked up and worshipped Him.

Often during that tough time, I would say, “I do not understand, Lord, but I will trust you.”

I talked to my female friends. I went to a Christian counselor. I listened to praise music and went for walks in the woods talking with the Lord.

And…I found answers.

The good news is that God redeems loss and pain and heals the heart to love again.

It takes time to get over a breakup, to be sure. It also takes lots of prayer and telling yourself the truth—about your situation, about the other person, and about yourself, but healing eventually comes.

Sure, it’s not easy to deal with rejection and other myriad emotions that come from being dumped—or dumping someone else—but it is possible.

After all of my own horrible breakups, I’ve learned some helpful wisdom and was able to heal and move forward, In the process, I wrote a book called “When Love Ends and the Ice Cream Carton Is Empty” (Moody Publishers) that helps you through all of the stages of breakup pain. It also gives you what you need to know for your new beginning.

This hard-won wisdom, forged in the dark times of emotional pain, will help to lead you back into the light. The book follows the cycle of a day—twilight, night, dawn and day—as a metaphor for the healing process.

Twilight is a time of endings. The sun is setting on your hopes and dreams of a future with this person. Yet how you deal with endings (or don’t) will determine the quality of your future love relationships.

Night is the dark time; you are grieving your losses. You’ve lost love, friendship, physical touch, and more. Thankfully, God provides “night lights” in the darkness, like His comfort, wisdom and love to guide the way back to joy and new beginnings.

Dawn is symbolic of awakening. Just as the first fingers of morning inch across the horizon shining sunlight on a new day, hope awakens in your heart healing journey. You begin to learn how God redeems losses and restores brokenness. You discover your true identity as a dearly-loved child of God. You regain confidence. You start to wake up again.

Day is your path to a new beginning. You find that letting go of the past is truly possible. It’s time to move forward into your future. You come alive and remember things you’ve forgotten or put aside like: gratitude, friendships and maybe even living your dreams. Radiance has returned, and with the light of Christ in you, you are ready to be a light to the world.

I will share with you inspiration from each of those four sections in four blog posts this week. Each post will be a different aspect on the “how to get over a breakup” topic.

So, let’s get started…

In the first days and weeks after a breakup, it’s important to stabilize the situation, get the comfort and support you need and begin to grieve your losses.

Stabilize the situation.
Breakups are painful because something has been broken: your precious heart. Like a physical injury, an emotional wound needs care and recovery time.

You need to protect your broken heart just as you would protect a broken arm. If you broke your arm, you’d immediately rush to the hospital and get a cast. Why? Because a cast protects the area from further injury and it allows the healing and repairing process to begin.

With a broken heart, you also need protection in order to stabilize the situation. A heart boundary or healthy emotional wall is needed for a time and for a purpose.

That means, separating from the source of pain (being away from the person you just broke up with) so you can prevent further injury and begin the healing process.

It can be extremely difficult not to communicate with him or her, but it will be easier to heal in the end.

You may be tempted to reach out to him or her and connect because that’s what you’re used to—it’s comfortable and familiar—but your goal here is not connecting, it’s disconnecting. It feels awful and lonely and different. But that’s just part of the process.

Of course, every situation is different. I’m not saying that you have to cut off all contact completely or forever. Some women I know have been able to be friends with people they’ve dated, but not right away. A time of separation is essential if you are ever going to have a platonic friendship in the future.

Breakups can be complicated, and you may need to have a few talks to get to the finale. But use wisdom and discretion. Hard as it can be, I’ve found that being away from the other person completely, at least initially, was more healing in the long run than the slow hanging-on-to-fragments-of-what’s-left relationship death.

Pray about it and ask God how to best tie up the loose ends of your ending.

Here’s some good news: When a broken bone is healed, it grows back even stronger. In the same way that a cast on a broken arm is for a time and a purpose, healing the emotional wreckage of your breakup is also for a season.

You won’t be in this painful place forever.

And your heart may grow back even stronger.

As your Breakup Recovery Coach, I’m proud of you for taking the first steps in this journey from darkness to light—from sadness and anger back into freedom, peace and joy.

There are better days ahead. It’s time for your heart healing journey to begin.

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