Today, there are more SINGLE adults in America than MARRIED people. About 50.2 percent (about 126 million) of us are not married.
So, what is the church doing to meet their needs?
Not enough.
That’s according to Gina Dalfonzo, author of One By One: Welcoming the Singles in Your Church (Baker Books, 2017). Here are a few thoughts from her book.
Singles feel lonely. While the church is a place to worship, connect and serve—a place to find community and fellowship—many singles find the church to be a lonely place.
Singles may feel “less than.” Some single adults feel overlooked because of their marital status. They feel unseen, forgotten or left out because there aren’t any small groups or programs for singles at their place of worship—especially for singles over age 40. At many churches, programming and events are centered on couples and families.
Perhaps you’ve heard some of these comments from well-meaning married folks at your church:
“So, when are you going to get married (or married again)?
“Why hasn’t some nice young man scooped you up?”
“You’re not getting any younger, you need to settle down.”
Yikes.
While these people may have good intentions, often singles are made to feel as if something is wrong with them if they are not married or don’t have kids.
And the truth is, single adults have infinite worth and value no matter what our marital status.
[Side note: I know dozens of wonderful Christian single women of all ages who would love to be married, but single men simply don’t ask them out. But that’s another blog post for another day.]
Dalfonzo, the author, is single herself and she is also pro-family. She writes:
“…families, especially families with children, are honored, encouraged, supported, and praised by the church. And that’s a good thing. Parents of young children are doing a tough and often thankless job…they need all the encouragement they can get. What the church doesn’t always understand is that single Christians need encouragement and support too.”
So what do you do with church singles whose ages may vary from 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond? How do you meet their needs for community and ensure they are growing in their faith?
How Married People Can Help Singles
Dalfonzo offers sage advice for married people—and for the church as a whole—on how to be more aware of and welcoming of singles.
First, it’s important for married people to remember that everyone who walks into church isn’t married with children. Some have never been married—whether they are a few years out of college or approaching retirement. Some single adults are divorced, separated or widowed—and may or may not have children. Dalfonzo says:
Look. Train yourself to see—really see—the single people in your church. Don’t ignore them as you make a beeline to talk to others who are just like you. Make it a point to look for them and look at them.
Listen. When you notice a single person at church, make the effort to go over and talk. And listen. Ask questions. Ask them how they are, or how you can pray for them. Meet up in the coffee area at church or invite them out for lunch sometime. Show you care.
Learn. You have to be willing to acknowledge that there are people in your church who are different from you, who have experiences and memories and points of view that may be very different. We can all learn from each other.
Love. Reach out in friendship to the single Christians around you. Help the church to incorporate their ideas and meet their needs. Ask a single adult over for coffee, for lunch or for a holiday meal. Demonstrate with actions the love of Christ for your single brothers and sisters in the church.
The church can see singles and love them as they are.
The church can restructure classes, groups, and activities to include both single and married people instead of keeping them apart—at least some of the time.
In the end, singles are not a problem to be dealt with, or a project to take care of. We want to be a valued as an integral part of the church whether we are age 35, 55 or 75.
Additionally, singles can get to know others in the church by serving alongside them in a ministry or a service project.
Single men and women can reach out to married people, too, and start a conversation or a friendship.
Single or married, we really do need each other.
Author Delfanzo summarizes with these thoughts:
“We need people in our lives who understand us…
but we also need people who are coming from
different backgrounds, stages of life, and points of view.
We need these people to help us broaden our perspective,
look at life from different angles…
and they need us too.”
For more posts by Jackie M. Johnson on singles topics, see her Living Single blog. And the “Growing a Better Life” blog on this website.
Photo: Priscilla De Preez, unsplash.com
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